Depression. Stressed. Blah!

In my college's computer lab now, lepaking. Trying to decide whether to head back after this or to stay back a while longer to do some more research on my assignments... I already finished ONE of my overflowing assignments for this semester, btw...

ONE DOWN, SIX MORE TO GO!!! le sigh... >_<

Anyways, I think my depression is kinda coming back to haunt me again... and I dunno what to do... I'm stressed out all the time, restless, mood swings are always around... and I dunno what is actually causing it this time... could it be because of the of overflowing amount of assignments which incidently have datelines which are almost in the same week??? Possibly.

Or maybe it's just the way I am... always absolutely must torture myself and suffer cos I dun feel that I deserve to be happy and problem free. I'm a nut...

Whatever the reason is, does it really matter? I dono. I dun seem to be sure about anything anymore... Let's just see after I finish all my assignments... But by then, it'll be almost time for my final exams... then more stress will come in and depression will be even greater!!! ARGGGGHHH!~ help!

~~~~~~

F called last night. Got me pretty pissed off. Again.

We kinda agreed on holding things off and taking things slow for now and only deal with it after Im back in KL for sure. (note: this is more of his decision to do so as he feels that his job will take up most of his time and therefore have a chance it might jeopardize us if we ever got together now. And Im not too ready or keen to start something when the two parties are not 100% sure and all)

But last night, he asked if I wanted to get together for real. I suspected something but din exactly say it out. (My suspicion is very simple... you will see later on cos...)

After some twists and turns and asking... he finally confirmed my suspicion about his intentions and what he was doing was right.

He merely asked me that question out of his own selfishness. He knew he still wasn't able to juggle and divide time well enough between his work and a relationship and thus will create problems for us... but he still went ahead and asked anyways. Why?

Ever since he found out Gav drove all the way to Kuantan from KL just to see me and spend time with me (as well as go to my college's Orientation Night with me), he has been acting not like himself. How? In the sense that he's been treating me better and giving me more attention.

F finally confessed that he just wanted to test me, to see what I feel and how I would react. He merely wanted to find out what position he is in... whether things has/will change!!! WTF!

I really dun feel good... this totally sucks, being put in this kinda position and all... I feel so worthless and stupid, F!!! You, of all people, should KNOW not to do this kinda thing to me! You should know better! No matter what... this should not be how you handle things ok! I hope you get it and not do this to me for THE THIRD TIME!

I was very forgiving the first time. I dun appreciate it the second time. If there comes a third... Im pretty sure you know the consequences, F! Dun say I din warn you...

*** All is Fair in Love and War ***

Get it?

Orientation Night & post-OR

Hey peeps!!!

I'm back~~~ LoL... =)

Anyways, been long since I posted... I know... I was pretty darn busy with the Orientation Night thingy and Gav extended his stay here... Will update on what happened the past few days...

22/09/05 (Thursday) - After OR full rehearsal @ coll... Sis fetched me so she can follow her colleague in his car to KL for seminar and Annual Dinner, then I will have my car back again *aaahhhh* Then... went to Megamall with Tee to get a white top (for our opening dance) and have dinner. During dinner, Tiger came over to find us (& to do last minute shopping for his clothes for OR - we last minute ppl! kakaka~ )

Anywayz... It was raining pretty heavily, but was pretty late so we all wanted to go back (and I had to book a room for Gav before going back). Was pretty hard to book one, cos got some sports event or something going on in Ktn this weekend, so most hotels were already fully booked!!! *&amp;^%$&%*&% AND...

... my beloved car was already on the verge of KO-ing... Tiger said it was probably the car battery konk-ing out ady!!! But still had to go around lookin for room... Got to book a room for Friday night after going to the 4th hotel in my "dying" car *phew!*

[7.45pm] Stopped @ college a while before heading back... By that time, car was in pretty bad shape. Din dare to off engine at all. Headlight was fainting, signal was either blinking veeeerrrryyyyy sloooowwwwlyyyyy or not blinking at all!!! Tiger went into college to get Zaki, and they both asked me to drive home slowly without air-cond or radio on. Just headlights. So I did.

I reached the 1st traffic light and put to "N". But as the light turn green, I happened to look down when I put to "D" and noticed that the gear box is not lighted anymore! Not only that, it was drizzling so I put my wiper on and it got stuck halfway!!! My petrol (which was 3/4) needle was close to "E"!!! I started to panic so quickly called Tiger. There was a junction before a traffic light (and Shell station) and he asked me to wait there for him. It was lucky that road was well lit and no car was following too near behind me, cos by then, I realised my headlights were no longer working and my signal is nonexistent! Turned in, kept my engine on while waiting for Tiger ad Zaki to come to my rescue...

They reached. Brought Mr. Foo with them. Just as they reached, my car took its final breath and officially went dead --toooooootttttttttt--

Tiger stayed there with me while Zaki and Mr Foo went around to find battery shop (replace my battery). Was pretty tough cos it was already 8pm! To cut story short, was already 9.30pm when they finished putting in the new battery and got my car engine on. BUT car was still havin lotsa probs. Went home.

23/09/05 (Friday) - Gav's sms woke me up at 10am. Said he's gonna start his journey. So I woke up and went to college to find Zaki (promised to accompany me to workshop to fix my car). Was someplace nearby my coll. Turns out the prob was not the battery, but the thing near the fan belt (I dono wats it called cos the mechanic wasn't speaking very good english so I cant make out what he was saying). But what I made out was that the problem wasnt the battery (Fuck! wasted RM135) The problem was that the thing in my car was not the original Mazda 323 thingy, was already changed to use a Nissan Sentra's thingy and the Sentra's thing was too big for my car so it had some empty space, allowing dirt and dust to collect in it, therefore, making it get spoiled. (Can anyone make out what "thing" is that and let me know?) told me that I could collect by 1pm. Said fine, cos I predicted I'll have to get my car by about 2pm, so I can meet up Gav and take him to check into his hotel, get food and rest before the OR that night. BUT, later on when I went back to check on my car, he said that the mechanic has gone for lunch and can only finish by around 2pm. So fine, asked him to call me when its done.

About 1.30pm, Gav called! Seems he has reached Kuantan and my car was still at workshop. Fella still haven called to let me know if my car's done!!! So I told him and he actually found his way over to my college in just 1/2 hour or so!!! Amazing!!!

So, went to Megamall to get food before checking into hotel. After lunch, went to check on my car. Turns out the fella forgot to call me when my car was ready!!! =.=''' Paid (RM138) and lead Gav to the hotel.

Tee waited for us at the hotel lobby while we got ready. We wanted to go together. Just as we were gonna leave the hotel entrance to get into Gav's car, it rained!!! Pretty heavily! Talk about good timing... mchtnsccb... Besides that, the road was pretty jammed also... Gav made a grasshopper out of coconut tree leave and gave it to me. =)

Was still raining heavily when we reached the hotel so Gav put me and Tee down at the lobby before parking the car.

Anyways, the event was pretty good le... Not bad. But very hectic for me, cos I had to wear my evening dress there (had to hold the banner and all as opening) and then quickly change into dancing attire for my opening dance. After that, rush upstairs to change into my fashion show attire for the third show and finally, back into my evening dress again to join Gav at our table and enjoy the rest of the night. Was buffet style dinner (which the food at Swiss Garden sucks btw), so Gav got some food for me so I can eat when I got back to our table.

Got some aromatic candles for lucky draw. LoL... Tiger and Azlyn got crowned the new King & Queen of Olympia College 2005 respectively. Best dress goes to Ayu & Zaki (couple). We wondered if it was planned... ;)

Will post some pics of that night as soon as Tiger sends them over to me...

Event ended around 11.30pm. Later on Gav, me, Tiger & Mr. Foo headed to the disco @ top floor, Megamall. First time going disco AND this kinda place in Kuantan. Not to mention we were all too well dressed to go to disco! I was in super high heels and all le!!! Cant shuffle also... sigh... Freakin good sound system though (better than the ones in KL clubs) and not the lala kinda place me & Gav imagined it to be. The live band sings Chinese songs, though. Lucky they take breaks and the DJ takes over with some pretty good English mix.

Both of us wanted to go to pub, so we can sit, drink and talk. But we suspected Mr Foo wanted to go to that Megamall's disco, cos we asked him to intro some pubs to go to in Ktn and he kept sayin that the police closed a lot of them down already (but on the way back Ktn, we saw plenty of pubs, live and kicking, on both sides of the road) LoL!

24/09/05 (Saturday) - Gav was supposed to head back to KL, but wanted to go Kmn instead, so I followed his car and my parents din hafta come down to fetch me back. Anyways, went lunch around 2pm. Gav bought a red dice with white hearts instead of the normal dots for me to hang in my car... =) Then caught Flight Plan at 3.45pm in GSC, Megamall. Damn good movie wei... I recommend! Must watch!!! ^=^

Around 5.30pm, went over to Giant to check out the Mister Coffee business branch here (his family's business). Went to my home to park my car for my sis to go work on Monday and pack my stuff.

Headed back to Kmn. Reached around 8.30pm. Wasn't hungry yet so he fetched me back my home and he went his grandma's place. Bath, unpack, he fetched me out yamcha around 10pm. Came back home around 12am. Washed up, watched a bit of TV, slept at 12.45am!!!

25/09/05 (Sunday) - Gav called to go breakfast at 10.30am. Then went to Awana Kijal to play at the beach. Then about 12.45pm, went to Hai Peng to drink coffee. After that, went to play 2 rounds of snooker. Lost like shite to him wei... sigh... Then later on, went to Kuala to have Otak-otak, Satar & Lekor (yum yum). He went home to his grandma's around 4pm to rest before starting journey down to KL.

Came to find me to talk a while before he heads back to KL. Sigh...

Anyways, definitely a great weekend! =)

Sorry for summary like blogging towards the end. Am pretty darn tired already now and realised I got tons more to type!!! Lazy already... teehee! =P

Orientation Night - Eve

Tomorrow is THE day. For my college's Orientation Night, that is... And I dunno how well it's gonna go, our rehearsal just ended a while ago... it seemed pretty fun and crazy... let's hope it will be like so as well, tomorrow.

Oo... I found someone to go with me to the OR! Yeay! Gavin will be coming down from KL tomorrow just to visit me as well as be my "date" for the function. It's so sweet of him to do so and get me off the extra ticket Im stuck with... Thanks Gav!!! *hugz* =)

Will head to Megamall later on with Tee to find our top for our opening performance, after my sister leaves for KL with her colleague, Jeffrey. Their company, Super Pages will be having their annual dinner down there on Saturday. So that means I will be having the car all to myself... whoopeeee~~!! =D And then me and Tee will go book hotel room for him..

I still dunno what to plan for Gav's visit here... not sure where to take him to and what to do cos I dunno Kuantan that well yet... so let's hope his visit here will not be too boring for him... =/

Mascara

In college now... went to Megamall with Tee just now to get some catalogues from Vincci to paste on our College's Secretarial Board... for decoration purposes of course... =.='''

Anyways, while I was there, I saw this very nice pair of pumps that I simply could not resist buying! It's really nice AND suitable for going out as well as for me to wear to college... Definitely NOT a pair of pumps that will KILL feets... *beams* RM59.90 or something... forgot... it's brownish in color so should not be too difficult to match clothes with it... I HOPE! *gulp*

Hmm... later on we went to Watson's to buy a new mascara to use during my Orientation Night cos my current one, Maybelline Lash Discovery is err... almost dried up? >_< And as a result... I bought the new Maybelline XXL mascara! It's on promotion right now cos its, yes, like I said, NEW... so it's only RM29.80 now (normal price is RM35.90). Came back to college a while ago and couldn't resist trying it out... the result : EXCELLENT!!! I have NEVER seen my eyelashes so long and thick and ... beautiful before!!! It's amazing!!! I have pretty short lashes, so I definitely recommend this to people who have short lashes like me... it really does add length and thickness to my barely-there lashes! And it's pretty darn cheap too! The effect is almost exactly like the one you can get using L'Oréal's Lash Architect (the one with Milla Jonovich or some celeb with the damn 'kua cheong' lashes wan), so if you were originally planning to buy "LA" (which was what I wanted, initially), why not give XXL a try, as it gives similar effect/result AND is much cheaper.

PRICE COMPARISON >> Maybelline XXL : RM29.80 --- L'Oréal Lash Architect : RM45.90.

See the price diff for the same great results? =)

Sooooo happy... w00t~!!

The pics...

Just as promised, the pictures from my Merdeka Parade participation... Sorry, the photo pixels are very huge, it takes too long to load, what with me using TMfuckingNet [dialup]... it already took me ages to load into my Multiply, so... do go take a look at it over there ya? Can browse around too... It's where I store all my pics... Ooo... And do remember to ADD me into your list too if you haven't already done so... *winks*

CLICK HERE : ~***Merdeka Parade '05 Pics***~ Hope you enjoy them!!!

P.S. Do leave comments both in here AND in multiply k? Would love your feedbacks! Muaksss!!!

^('00')^

Pissed...

... is what I feel right now.

Just ended a conversation with F. And I can tell you, it din end pretty.

Dun wanna go into details. Just some personal stuff.

You know what, F, fuck you! I guess its MY fault for not letting you know earlier. So that you wont spend all of this month's earning on boozing and pubbing with your friends. Its my fault that you din keep your salary for rainy days and have savings of your own! And I guess it's MY fault too that you wanna come but cant and you don't want me to ask someone else. What the fuck? I don't know anyone around here! You want me to get someone off the street? The people I know here are all from my college! They are ALL already involved, FYI! You cant come, but you don't want it to be someone else other than you... how does that work out, F? Huh? Tell me what that fucking means!

FUCK!

Maybe boozing with your friends are more important that this... than me... Im pissed. No matter what I do... things doesn't come my way... You say you'll come next month. But the thing is THIS MONTH in case you still in LaLa Land and din realise yet! So what if you come next month. Can I postpone the whole damn thing to next just because of you? All the places are fucking fully booked for this whole year! And FYI, it's not my place to choose ok!

Damn. Fucking. Pissed. Off. Right. Now.

Whatever. I hope you're HAPPY! Cos I sure am NOT!

What d'ya think?

Like my new layout??? Kekeke...

Not bad for someone who knows NIL.ZERO.NADA. about html and all those IT shite yea? ;)

BIG thank you goes out to Jack Jack for aiding me in my "template mission" LoL! Thanks Uncle Jack Jack! ^_^ *hugZ*

Anyways, not much to talk about. Drove down Kuantan today for a meeting about our Orientation Night (in charge of some stuff) and then drove back again... and then sat here few hrs trying to figure out this html stuff...etc... so pretty tired...

Each of us has to sell a minimum of one ticket for the Orientation Night... So... Anyone of you interested to come to my college's Orientation Night? It's only RM50... we have dinner, performances, AND fashion show (which, btw, I am chosen to be one of the models up on the runway that night! Come support me pls...) as well as lucky draw and voting for MR. and MS. Olympia... I have a feeling our head student, Zaki will be Mr. Olympia C. and either Azlyn or Kak Ayu will be chosen as Ms. Olympia C. Yeay...

While I was in college, went to get my timetable for my course, which will commence this coming Monday (12th September 2005) and guess what? I have SEVEN (7) subjects to take in this sem... including one LAN subject snoozathon, Moral Studies. WTF! Can you imagine that??? I hope I can still obtain excellent grades despite the jam-packed schedule... sigh... But determination is strong in me... *chants* I know I can I know I can I know I can... *chants*

Details for Orientation Night -
DATE : 23rd September 2005 (Friday)
TIME : 7.00PM
VENUE : Swiss Garden (Hibiscus Hall)
THEME : Elegant Night
TICKET COST : RM50

[NOTE : I have one ticket in my hand now... Anyone interested to go, do let me know. If more than one ticket is requested, I am able to obtain more] I am NOT joking...

Self confidence : Men v Women

Self confidence. Self esteem.

If there are anything in this world that can distinguish men and women (minus the fact that we women have inflated chest and a "cat" while men has deflated chests, 2 nuts and a "shift stick" below), it's those two things above.

Men, have the highest self confidence and -esteem (not to mention, ego) ever, while women's hit rock bottom! (Speaking for majority case here)

I once read somewhere that, put babboon's ass looking, obese, mop haired (lame man's term : FUCKING UGLY) guy in front of a mirror and what he'd think is, "Man! I look like <>!"

Meanwhile, put a thin, sexy, hot Gucci momma, with legs that go on forever in front of a mirror, and she'd go, "OMG! Im the world's ugliest gal... My thighs are too fat, my eyes are too small, my hair is ugly ...."

Why is it, that men are sooooo PERASAN??? What makes men think they're the best looking, sexiest man alive? and women feel the least bit sexy/attractive?

Anyone???

Tiring Merdeka

Ahhh....

Finally back from the Merdeka Parade... was ok I guess... Had to wake up at 5am in the morn. Be in college b4 6am... feets blistering, marching under the blazing, hot sun for hours to come, sweat pouring buckets full due to the ever so stuffy and hard to walk in baju kurung I had to wear... and the sultan is not even cute! Mwahahahha! Oops... Went out with Tiger, Sze Peng and some of Tiger's friends for yamcha at this nice place called Relax on 30th night... got to fag after a looooooong time! Woohoo! LoL... Got to laugh a great deal listening to Tiger and his crazy brass band mates' stunts... Wanted to even join them at the fields for countdown, but Sze Peng had to be back before 12am, and I din wanna drive back too late, all alone... so we went back around 1130, went to my home, got my stuff and went to her place to stay for the night so we can go to college together the next day. Watched a Taiwan horror movie til about almost 2am and then went to sleep. Gav called me at almost 3am (already asleep), so we talked a while and then got back to sleep. 5am, alarm rang... dead tired CAN! =.='''

But it was pretty fun I guess... standing in front and all the funny and crazy collegemates happen to also be in front... so we were all laughing and joking and talking and stuff... pretty fun despite the hot spell. And our head student, Zaki is crazy and always getting our command (hukum) wrong, hence, the army man (Param) in charge of us had to keep coming over and correcting him and all. But he did joke with us as well... Was hilarious...

After the whole parade was over... went back to college (note: we had to walk from college to field no. 1 and then march to field no. 2 which is dam fucking far away, and then after that had to walk ALL THE WAY back to college AGAIN!) and they prepared some refreshments and stuff for us... was fucking dead tired I could almost fall asleep... Rested in college a while and then around 1pm, drove back home... 1 whole freaking hour driving back... alone! I dono how many times I ALMOST, not quite, but ALMOST dozed off behind the wheel... 3 days of 2-3 hrs sleep and marching for almost whole day... equals dead tired AND the lost of 1 more kilo! Not bad le... ahhaha...

Will post the pics after my sai lou sent them to me... he actually already sent them, but seems to be corrupted and I cant open them... wonder why... hmm...

Anyways, gtg... gotta drive down to Kuantan tomorrow... college having a picnic-cum-BBQ by the beach (Taman Gelora, near Telok Chempedak (TC)) for us who joined the merdeka Parade... gonna be fun in the sun and lotsa pigging out to do! Woo Hoo! Dun jealous yea! =P

Tired CAN!!

Hey peeps...

Im back from my training and exam! Actually, today's training was cancelled and yesterday's was the most pathetic training ever! All they did was just lined us (those who actually bothered to turn up) and took some pictures and let us off... in less than 30mins! And with today's cancelled, I get to come back home and sleep in the comfort of my own room, my own bed... cos I dunno why, but I dun seem to ever been able to sleep in that room in Kuantan...

Everytime Im there, I cant seem to sleep... And then I'd wake up at like 8 - 9am... WITHOUT FAIL! I never even needed the alarm clock to wake me up, cos I always wake up waaaay earlier than the time set. Last night after getting off the phone, I went to lie down in bed at 2am, lights off (sis next to me, sleeping like a log already)... I COULDN'T sleep! My phone rang at almost 4am, but it din wake me... cos I was WIDE AWAKE! Talked a while and then tried to go back to sleep again. Ended up lying there staring at the ceiling til about 6am before I could actually sleep... and then I suddenly jerked awake at 8AM! And I din have to wake up til like 1030!

It's not just this once... it's everytime Im there... is this creepy or what? =S

Anyways, I'm gonna hafta drive back up tomorrow and stay there til either Wednesday or Thursday... cos we have this vigorous and final training before the actual day (Wed). So no point comin back after training on Monday and then drive back up on Tue again! Too much petrol money ka? LoL... So me and my friends gonna have lunch, hang out after training and go look around for gym centres so we can go...

Oo... went to watch Singapore's ghost movie, The Maid last night after training with my "brother" Tiger and Sheau Wei (Ah Tee). Was pretty ok le.. not very scary... but dam kesian wan... The dam funny part is, when people watch horror or anything, they would wince or scream or anything rite? Well, Tiger's is special... when it comes to the intense part of the horror, he will suck in his breath thru his mouth for as long as the scary part lasts. And if it's dam long, he'd pause for like 1 second and continue again! It was hilarious! The whole cinema was laughing cos it was loud enough for them to hear... LoL!

Anyways, nothing much to update for now... Pretty tired cos of lack of sleep... sigh...

P/S : I finally put up my tagboard on the right hand side (below the Cool Counter)... If you guys wanna like tag me or leave a msg or whatever, do feel free to do so k? Will reply back.. hehehe! =P

Why so boring???

Argh...

Gotta drive down to Kuantan tomorrow again... got Merdeka Parade training with my fellow coursemates of Olympia... FORCED by our principal btw... Totally 100% din join by choice! Blueksss!!!

And then on Sat, will be having Computer Application exam (yes, an exam on a fucking SATURDAY! Kill me can?) and then about an hour after that, it's training time again! Whoopee!!! *sarcastically + rolling of eyes pls*

Oh, and it's confirmed... my lecturer insists I wear the cheongsam and asks Azlyn (that's the lenglui Malay gal, I found out her name) to help find a nice one to rent.. and get this... me and her are gonna hafta wear HEELS and march around the fucking field! OMFG! I hope I dun trip and fall... And I already sprained my ankle like 3 times... I so CANNOT wear heels for too long... I wore them on Monday to go for my class (Mondays are the college's "dress up like an executive" day) and then after that went to Megamall for lunch and a short walk around wif my coursemates before driving back home again... and my leg almost gave way... It's still painful up to now... Sigh...

~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

Ooh... Thinking of joining the gym once my actual course starts, I get my timetable to plan and things are more settled... Will most probably be going with my "sai lou" Tiger, since he's the one who suggested it... And I HAVE been planning on getting myself toned up again, considering I had to stop tennis cos of my poor ankle... So Im guessing gym would be a pretty good choice, considering you dun need to find a sparring partner to do gym (a buddy there for motivation and boredom killing is good of cos)... Just hope I won't get all big and bulky like I did when I was still superbly active in tennis... I din lose all this weight and went to a smaller frame just to ruin it all again wei... Just wanna look more toned... not bigger! =S Sigh...

Argh... boring boring boring... Guess Im gonna go offline in a few.. nothing to do... Bah!!!

What the...

I dun get it. I just dun fucking get it! Why do guys have to get all bitchy and nasty and mean on the girl after he breaks up with them?

See, this friend of mine, she suffers a very very bad bad BAD depression. If I'm not mistaken, it's hereditary. It's so bad she self mutilates, attemps suicides and all that pretty often just to hurt herself. She actually love the pain and seeing the blood. Since its hereditary, it's pretty hard, if not impossible, to cure. She takes lotsa anti-depressants and all those shits doctors give her... etc...

This ex of hers, know her for years n have been going after her for like YEARS, so therefore means already knows how she's like - her depression, self-mutilation, suicide, her character, etc.. BUT, with knowing all those information, he still went after her for all those years.

And then, she finally accepted him. He even broke up with his then gf to be with her. Said there were no sparks with her and no love at all. My friend and that bastard were together for some months. Has their ups and downs like all relationships, of course... and then, in this few days, he broke off wif her AND got back wif his ex (now, din he say he din love her, no sparks and all that shit?). AND, she flew all the way over to where he is, spent the week with him and all... but he din even break up with her like a MAN, face-to-face! He waited til she was back on the plane back to her place and then a day or two later broke up with her, through the phone! What the fucking hell!

Not only that! After breaking up with her, he starts bitching on this blog that they share, about how he cannot cope with how she is, her depressions, her this and that... when he already actually knows how she is right from the beginning, YEARS before this, and we assume he has accepted ALL of it cos he still insisted on pursuing her for so many years, listening to her problems, helping her out... even before they got together!

And as if he hasn't hurt and tortured her enough... he even posted up tons of entries about mental illnes! Stuff like "Mental health: What's normal, what's not", "How signs, symptoms and function are interpreted" and "Mental health as an evolving continuum"! As if stating she's mentally disturbed and cuckoo! Fucker!

What the fuck man? U call yourself a MAN? For a guy of almost thirty, you would think he would have some MATURITY and BRAINS inside his teeny weeny head. Handle the situation sanely and LIKE A MAN la! What a loser... I have male friends who are tons younger than him that are more mature than that bird brained son of a bitch!

If you got nothing nice to say, don't fucking say anything! Just keep ur stinking pie hole shut! No one will say you're dumb!

What an asshole... I hope he rots in hell!

Hold on...

Now wait just a minute there...

I would just like to make some things clear... This is my blog. My sanctuary. A place where I can just blurt everything I feel, think, want, need and whatever shite out. My place of truth. It is also a place for my friends to get to know about me, what I do, how I feel and et cetera et cetera et cetera...

I dun think I am a bad person. I dun do drugs, I dun rob, I dun steal, I dun kill... I am just going through life as it is. I am not perfect. I am a normal human being. And I make mistakes. I feel things. I learn from my own mistakes, from mistakes my friends do. I have feelings. Yea, so I have more of a depression than others do. But so what? I still am me. You think I am not learning cos Im ranting here? That I am an unappreciative, spoilt little prissy ass bitch cos I just want my freedom, my own space, my own life, my own way to learn in life? Think again.

No two people are the same. Maybe some of you dun understand what I go through cos u have ur own freedom since u were young. For me, all my life so far is my parents telling me who I can be friends with. What I should eat. What sports I should play. What clothes I should wear. What I should study. Where I should study. For my life so far, I have been doing what my parents want. Is it wrong for me to want my OWN LIFE back? Is it wrong for me to wanna live n see the world for my own instead of being kept inside a cage and learn and see things through my parents' eyes? Is it wrong for me to actually have my own life? To have my freedom? Is it wrong to expand my views? What the hell is wrong with that? It's not like I'm DISOWNING them or saying I don't need them and their advice!! I still do ok? They are and always will be my parents, whom I love no matter how pissed and mad I am at them. I just wanna learn things my way, see things on my own... be independent!

Every family has their own quirks and deep dark secrets. Every family has their problems and fights and whatever shits. This is MY way of keeping my sanity. MY way of handling things.

Got that?

Bored...

Sigh...

It's so boring... Im so bored... what a boring place Im living in... A place where the town goes almost dead by 11pm... where you cant even mamak after 12am cos no place is open - AT ALL!

What to do? What to do? What to do? And my actual course is not opened yet, so Im here freaking bored outta my head... I really cannot wait for my graduation by end of next year... so I can find a job located in KL and be in the middle of all the actions again... like I used to be... [how many times have I actually talked about this? Too many I think... U guys are gonna kill me aren't you? =P]

But it's really true... This place is too dead to be true... And living with parents like mine? It dun matter how hip and happening this place is... you will forever have a curfew and a limitation of where you can go and what you can do... Just ask the 24 yr old gal who came from this very same family as me... I dun get why she gave up a job in KL to come back here! [I know la actually... beloved bf here ma] But giving up KL to come back to curfews and controlling parents? OMFG... Well, not quite la... since she usually dun listen to them and they dun freaking do anything about it... oh wait, they do... they PICK ON POOR ME instead! Me... the poor, defenseless one... who gets dragged in the middle of their warpath just cos their elder daughter don't listen to them... *rolls eyes*

Which makes me cant wait to escape this "prison" and have my own sanctuary, my own life, my own freedom... let them deal with her directly instead of diverting the torture unto the innocent victim who doesn't go out, stays home and does her homeworks...

O... The "VIP" has finally read the "crazy" thing I sent... but I gotta wait few more days cos "VIP" wanna think about it first before replying me and giving me the answer... Is this a good sign or a bad sign? Im soooo nervous... sooooo scared over what's it gonna be... I really hope it's the positive answer... Really do... *Prays and hopes* This is so nerve-wrecking... *Breaks into cold sweat* OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG....

Please pray and hope for me that things goes my way... pls... thanks...

Ranting post...

OMFG-MCH-CCB-TNS...

[WARNING : This post will contain a lot of profanities and violence and bitching about... so those who wants stuff like "peace on earth" or whatever shit, or do not wanna read angry stuff, or happy people who do not want their mood to be sunken, you are warned... leave while you can!]

I am sooooooooooo restless and panicky and desperate right now... (dun think slanting la fuckwits!) It's cos that lenglui Malay gal (I still dunno her name...) said she'd call me since Tuesday to discuss and go out shopping and stuff to find something for both of us to wear during perbarisan for the Merdeka Parade... and til now she STILL FUCKING HASN'T CALLED ME!

Fuck la... is it all leng luis will do this kinda things wan? FFK la... Broken promises la... kena dam a lot of times ady la... all from leng luis wan... (sorry to leng luis... Im not stereotyping... just fucking pissed off now... Im a perfectly sweet and nice person... when not lied, ffk-ed, broken promises, etc... to)

I will only be going to class on Monday next week to pass up my assignment... and then Friday and Saturday 5.30PM will have marching training... Saturday 2 - 4.30PM exam summore... and I dun see her in college often... so how the hell am I gonna track her down la... sigh... I hate going to complain to the lecturers about other students... I hate tattle-taling and ratting on others... but what can I do?

I am so NOT planning on wearing a cheongsam in HIGH HEELS! And WITH sports shoes to march, it would look fucking ODD la! Ppl would think Im fucking insane wei... Kebaya would be much better choice considering its longer and can cover the shoes... and where do I find kebaya I can borrow if that gal keeps playing HIDE AND SEEK with me? I will absolutely NOT go make one just for this stupid event... I still need to find a gown to borrow or buy for my Orientation Night... Dark blue... fucking dresscode... why cant they just allow us to wear whatever fucking color we want?

Not to mention, my coat and skirt for my Secretarial course will also have to be dark blue! Sigh... Nothing against it... love blue... just dun love what color we hafta wear inside... LIGHT BLUE! WTF! It's awful can!

Oh fuck... just remembered tomorrow is Salem Revelation in PD... cant go! Cos Im fucking not in KL... dam sad... have been going for all da annual raves (2x per yr, yes, I go to both)... and now, I have to break the spell cos I cant go this time... MCHTNS... sigh... I hate you people who get to go! Dam unfair CAN! Damnit la Alex! Come down and fetch me along with you la! U won't wanna be Jon n Shennie's Philips 300watt lightbulb rite? I miss clubbing with you la! Pleaaaaaaassssssse......

Oh crap...

PoEm...

Argh! Freaking migraine... killing me... Always have it... comes to "visit" every few days once or so... sometimes so bad that it even makes me puke (or want to)...

Anyhoo... I recently read a novel and stumbled upon a poem which I find really meaningful and so I decided I'll be all generous and share it with you guys... hope that you will enjoy it as much as I do and in the meantime learn something from it too...


"IF" by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait, and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve you turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will to say to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - not lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If all you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that is in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!


This poem is telling you to always be yourself, have your feet firm on the ground, always be optimistic, believe in yourself... no matter what others say or think. Very very meaningful... Many people cannot do this... including myself...


^(°00°)^


Below, is an e-mail my friend has sent to me... It is so true as well... Check out the pic... it's a couple kissing... pretty clever aye? Took me a long time form the picture in here so you guys can see it... cos the picture somehow became defected and unviewable (is there such word?) when transfered into here... It's still a bit cacat-ed la... but just as long as you can make out the picture, can? Anyways, the most important part of this post is the message below... not the how ugly the picture turned out cos of my erm, bad editing... bluekss! >_<
[hint: someone pleasssse compliment me that I did a great job with the picture... *bambi eyes*]


, ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ;.
, ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ,
, ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ) ) ) ; ; ( ( ( , , ; ; ; , , _ ) ) ) ) )\ ,
, ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ' ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) \ ; ; ; ; ; ; / ) ' ' - / , ) ) ) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ; ; ; ; ' \ . ~ \ ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) )
/ / ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( (
/ ' \ _ / ~ ' ) ( ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) )
/ ' ` \ / o _ / ) ) ) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( (
/ / ' ` ~ ~ ( _ _ _ _ / ( ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) )
- - - , \ ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( (
` \ ~ - _ _ _ _ ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) )
\ ` \ _ . - - - . ( ( ( ( ( ( ( (
\ \ \ \ ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) )
\ \ / ( ( ( ( ( ( ( (
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\ __ / ( ( ( ( ( (

Never say I Love You
If you don't really care

Never talk of feelings
If they aren't really there

Never hold my hand
If you mean to break my heart

Never say forever
If you ever plan to part

Never look into my eyes
If you are telling me a lie

Never say hello
If you think you'll say goodbye

Never say that I'm THE one
If you dream of more than me

Never lock up my heart
If you don't have the key


Anyways, hope you all enjoyed and learnt something from these two postings... Have a nice life... Will post some stuff later on!


^(°00°)^

Oh fVcK!

Oh crap... Oh my fucking gawd... I did something crazy... something mad... something I may regret doing... even more so later... cos I already am regretting it... But if I don't do it... I will not know the answer... And whatever I wrote just now are all true... 100% pure.. from the heart... no joke... no more playing games... no more immaturity... But still... oh fuck... what have I done... Alrite... Im like contradicting myself in here... Hell, even in my brain I'm contradicting myself... conflicting myself... War is going on in my head now! ARRRRGGHHHH!!! I just hope everything turns out well... goes how Im really realllllly hoping for... But still... slim chance, I think.... sigh... Im the most pessimistic bitch around... This sucks...

Feeling patriotic, anyone?

Hmm...

Malaysia's 48th Independence Day is just around the corner (note : that's 31st of August for you fuckwits who still don't know) and I'm bummed... why? Cos this year, I won't be able to celebrate in the lovely Kuala Lumpur like I always do every other year (yes, I still fucking love that place. Love the busy and hectic life. Sure beats boringtown like where I am *rolls eyes*). No more seeing fireworks. No more hanging out in Sungai Wang area from morn til wee late hours. No more going nuts with a whole buncha friends. No more clubbing... Why is that you ask? Well, for several reasons :

1. Haze.

2. Parents would definitely NOT allow me down cos of the haze (I know it's like almost gone... but they'd definitely still say NO) ...and besides, let's not forget how they like to have their over-controlling claw into me, questioning my every move, every squirm... I get the third-degree just trying to take the car out of my home to go buy a reload card for my cell... yes, it's THAT extreme. Im not exaggerating... pfah! Funny, its only me who gets it... my sister doesn't seem to be bothered by them... sheesh! *rolls eyes*

3. I have to be patriotic (note the word HAVE in the sentence. Meaning Im forced to be... beyond my will.) Olympia College, Kuantan suddenly decides to make their presence known to everyone so they are doing that by joining the Merdeka Parade... which means we poor reluctant students will have to join the march... bleugggh! >_<

And it gets worse... We have two lovely ladies wearing some traditional clothings (ie. Kebaya, cheongsam, kurung, sari, etc... u get the picture) walking up front, holding a banner, saying something like "KERANAMU MALAYSIA... OLYMPIA COLLEGE" and behind us is our head student, Zaki and behind would be 3 guys holding, Im guessing, the Malaysia flag, the Pahang flag and possibly one with the college logo. Following behind is seven rows and x amount of columns of people in the march... well, that's not why I said it gets worse...

Here goes...

I'm one of the "lovely ladies" who gets to be up front... wearing... gulp, a cheongsam? Kebaya?! That's for being well-known and instantly liked by (almost) all the lecturers and staff in college... *runs around the room 100x, screaming my head off*

*Pant pant Exhausted* Ok... I've calmed down... Hmm... we haven't decided on what I'd be wearing though... the pretty (yea, she's a real beauty) Malay girl that would be walking along side me with the banner in our hands would be calling me to discuss what I'd wear. Maybe we'd be going for a shopping spree tomorrow to decide *whee!*
Or maybe I should just borrow my mum's never-worn-before cheongsam... it's kinda loose for me... but hmm... will ask the gal when she calls...

I'll try and take some pics of the event... and me in whatever I wear... and post it in here for you guys to see if I can... Hope I dun trip and fall... Oh gosh...

@_@

Ooh... Hmm... Orientation Night
Venue : MS Garden, Kuantan
Date : 17th September 2005.
Time : Still unknown.
Charge : RM50 (around that).
Attire : Dark blue gown <---anyone got any classy, sexy and beautiful gowns to loan me? I'd be forever grateful... pleeeeeeaaaaaaaaaase *winks*

Haze.Haze.Haze.

Wah lao...

The haze is getting worse and worse. It's even spread over to the east coast! Kuantan, Terengganu... kena ady! This morning I woke up and looked out the window and OMFG, blur man! For a minute there I thought I was in Genting Highlands... except it was damn fucking HOT!

Everywhere I looked, it was damn blurry vision! Went grocery shopping with my mum in the afternoon and kept yawning. Lacking oxygen due to haze... Stupid mch ccb Indons! What the fuck you affect our country like that! Inconsiderate I tell you!

I told my mum: At the rate of the haze now, spreading even to east coast already now, sooner or later, people are gonna look at the map and wonder why we cant see Malaysia on it; cos it's such a small country and the (fucking) haze is so thick!

I actually meant it as a joke, but...

Check out the picture and see for urself what Im talking about...



NOTE : Click on photo to enlarge...

This is fucking serious case... Soon we'd be going, "Where's Malaysia?"

Hail storm has struck Subang and Sunway area couple of days ago and its snowing in the impossible-to-snow Melbourne... wonder if it'll even snow in zon Khatulistiwa ie. MALAYSIA!

Hey, the impossible might just happen!

Song for the broken hearted...

This song was sent to me by my cousin, Eric, after knowing what happened with me and my baby boy... He said to listen to the lyrics carefully and after doing that... I feel like it is so much like what I should and must do... I cried reading it... F.I.R. - 把愛放開 當你開始追尋你要的自由 放開我們緊握的手 帶走我的愛和天空 我不知所措 我以為我會懂 我們的愛 我們的愛 當我獨自走到時間的盡頭 回憶和我擦身而過 帶走你的愛和笑容 我無力承受 最後的一點心痛 我們的愛 我們的愛 把愛放開 把手放開 如果你的心已不在 把愛放開 不再等待 你的溫柔是一片空白把愛放開 把心打開 這次我決定走出回憶重來 就讓我徹底地傷 再徹底地醒過來 終於明白愛已不再 從今以後再也沒有什麼能去依賴 我還有什麼期待 把愛放開 把手放開 如果你的心已不在 把愛放開 不再等待 你的溫柔是一片空白把愛放開 把心打開 這次我決定走出回憶重來 就讓我徹底地傷 再徹底地醒過來

I cannot accept the fact yet... It's all too soon and drastic... Im so stoned... I'll be falling back to my old self again... Suicidal thoughts flashing back into my mind... Depression strikes again... I need as much love as possible... Im so alone... so so alone... failed... faltered again...

Why does this always happen to me... Just when I think I can trust and love someone again... I get shitfuck back... Love hurts... I dun even know how many "markings" I already made on myself cos of this... I dun wanna hurt no more... What best way than to leave the world... That's the most tempting offer I heard...