Gonna grad soooooon!!!

Woo hoo... finished my exams... my last and final paper!!! Woo hooo!!!!

Well, actually I finished my exams last week le... now only blog about it... a bit slow reaction, I know... sorree la... kekeke...

I just came back to my home this evening actually... spent the time in Kuantan with my friends and my baby boy before coming back...

... also, last night, I joined a fashion show for the very first time! Not the type that is just for the college or dinners... but the type that is actually right smack in the middle of a shopping mall where the whole wide world is there to see you... it was damn scary and I was so nervous...

that was supposed to be the night of my life... but it was also the saddest night too... baby din show up for my "walk"!

He kept asking me for the whole week, "what time is your show? what time is your show?" and I kept telling him, "8 pm, 8 pm, 8 pm!" Tell so many times ady, you'd think he'd remember, he'd get it through his thick skull to be there BY EIGHT PM!!! Right? WRONG!

What does he do??? I'll tell you... He had the nerve to go out for dinner at fucking 7.30pm with his FRIENDS. I was on stage walking, dam nervous and kept looking for his face, to assure me that I'm doing great and that he's with my all the time... and what does he do? He doesn't fucking show up!

When the show ended at 8.45pm, I thought maybe I just din see him there, but he's somewhere out there looking at me... so I called him... turns out... HE WAS JUST ON THE WAY OVER!!! I was fucking steaming ady... I was so angry, so pissed off and so disappointed in him... this isn't the first time he did something like that to me... in fact, I cannot remember how many times he treated me like that... I just cried on the spot, right in the middle of the mall...

And as if it wasn't enough, he asked me to go out with my friends and only look for him when I wanna see him!! WTF!?? You make me mad and when I told u not to look for me, you actually dun even bother to look for me, talk to me like you din do anything wrong and all those shite?!!
Am I even worth anything to you? What do you take me as? How important am I to you?

It makes me think, juggle with the thought of whether we should carry on being together... cos when all I do is put him first, he seems to put me last... when he can treat me like a princess during our first few months together... doing little stuff and romantic gestures for me without me asking for them... and now, he just does stuff like that to me to make me feel unloved and neglected...

Even HE himself verbally voiced out that he has not been treating me the same as when we first got together! He said himself that he has not been giving me the attention I deserved. Unlike before. And also, he keeps mentioning "rethinking our relationship" and "break up" everytime we fight or argue when he promised me that he would be with me no matter what, would not even think of breaking up with me and leaving me and that he does not wanna be without me... And after all that, this is what he gives me...

How can I carry on with him as if nothing happened when this reality is starting to take over the wonderful time we spent together... what happens to all the stuff I gave up and did just for him? Does it all mean nothing?

I am so lost now... it really hurts... it breaks my heart to be treated like that... I thought he knew better... I thought he was different than the others... but I guess I was wrong...

How do you mend this hole in my heart? Why do I love him so much?