Depression. Stressed. Blah!

In my college's computer lab now, lepaking. Trying to decide whether to head back after this or to stay back a while longer to do some more research on my assignments... I already finished ONE of my overflowing assignments for this semester, btw...

ONE DOWN, SIX MORE TO GO!!! le sigh... >_<

Anyways, I think my depression is kinda coming back to haunt me again... and I dunno what to do... I'm stressed out all the time, restless, mood swings are always around... and I dunno what is actually causing it this time... could it be because of the of overflowing amount of assignments which incidently have datelines which are almost in the same week??? Possibly.

Or maybe it's just the way I am... always absolutely must torture myself and suffer cos I dun feel that I deserve to be happy and problem free. I'm a nut...

Whatever the reason is, does it really matter? I dono. I dun seem to be sure about anything anymore... Let's just see after I finish all my assignments... But by then, it'll be almost time for my final exams... then more stress will come in and depression will be even greater!!! ARGGGGHHH!~ help!

~~~~~~

F called last night. Got me pretty pissed off. Again.

We kinda agreed on holding things off and taking things slow for now and only deal with it after Im back in KL for sure. (note: this is more of his decision to do so as he feels that his job will take up most of his time and therefore have a chance it might jeopardize us if we ever got together now. And Im not too ready or keen to start something when the two parties are not 100% sure and all)

But last night, he asked if I wanted to get together for real. I suspected something but din exactly say it out. (My suspicion is very simple... you will see later on cos...)

After some twists and turns and asking... he finally confirmed my suspicion about his intentions and what he was doing was right.

He merely asked me that question out of his own selfishness. He knew he still wasn't able to juggle and divide time well enough between his work and a relationship and thus will create problems for us... but he still went ahead and asked anyways. Why?

Ever since he found out Gav drove all the way to Kuantan from KL just to see me and spend time with me (as well as go to my college's Orientation Night with me), he has been acting not like himself. How? In the sense that he's been treating me better and giving me more attention.

F finally confessed that he just wanted to test me, to see what I feel and how I would react. He merely wanted to find out what position he is in... whether things has/will change!!! WTF!

I really dun feel good... this totally sucks, being put in this kinda position and all... I feel so worthless and stupid, F!!! You, of all people, should KNOW not to do this kinda thing to me! You should know better! No matter what... this should not be how you handle things ok! I hope you get it and not do this to me for THE THIRD TIME!

I was very forgiving the first time. I dun appreciate it the second time. If there comes a third... Im pretty sure you know the consequences, F! Dun say I din warn you...

*** All is Fair in Love and War ***

Get it?